Intimacy

So, i'm still processing this thought a little, but its stirring in my heart and my mind. Often I struggle with the feeling of not belonging, and that i'm missing out on this "community". I look around me and see that everyone else seems to have this whole intimacy thing down and their experiencing deep friendships...and I wonder what is my problem? So I was thinking about Christ and wondered about His life on the earth, and how everyone wanted to be around Him and hear Him teach. I'm sure that everyone wanted to be His best friend and to know Him intimately. However, He selected the twelve to be His disciples and to share His most intimate life with Him, but even beyond that John was the beloved disciple. John shared the most intimate of moments with Jesus, that the other disciples didn't share in. I realized, its not that Jesus picked favorites, but He desired that intimacy, just as we do since we were created in His image. I thought about to how the Lord chooses to reveal secrets to those of us who seek Him and know Him intimately, the Lord guards His heart and with whom He shares His secrets; so why shouldn't I guard my heart? Why shouldn't I pick favorites and have only my few close friends. I love to know that there are deep secrets and desires in my heart that only a select few and Jesus know. I love to know that there is a life hidden inside me and that its only shared with those who are given the key to enter the garden of my heart. I am so thankful that someone told me to save my heart for my husband, and I did just that. I'm thankful that Bryan is one of the only people who knows some of my deepest dreams and thoughts. And knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

However, I think in some ways my view of intimacy is skewed. I can share life with people, share parts of my heart, laugh, and enjoy their company-and that can be intimacy. I don't have to have a heart to heart with someone everytime I see them-although I love to talk deeply. But just because I don't have a heart to heart with someone doesn't mean I can't be intimate with them in a different way. I think in my quest for finding intimacy and having that sense of belonging, i've missed out on just enjoying people. This is hard for me since I connect with people through talking, but my desire is to increase connecting with people through just enjoying them. I love connecting on a deeper level, but I also just miss the days of hanging out and enjoying someones company through fun. I think I miss out on a lot of fun in life b/c I think to much and can be to serious. Oh to be an obliv(inside joke). Lord Jesus, give me the free heart of a child that wants to play and enjoy you and your children! Thank you for laughter and for fun!